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My words must be read without any intervention from you. You must be the reader and nothing else. You have to be silent and you must not contemplate. Don’t even think. You cannot be yourself nor would I allow you to be somebody else. Don’t even wonder if it is possible at all to be that.
There is a strange attraction that lies within me.
I won’t explain.
You don’t need facts, you don’t need content. Just reading must be enough.
You must not ask what right I have. You must not rebel or refuse. You must not interact or question.
You must not go back and read what you have read.
You must not restrain.
You must not exist.
P.S. Ha! In case you misunderstand my friend don’t think about me at all for it was all about you. I love you and don’t try to know what I mean by that. This is not for any special someone. It is just for you. |
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Jun. 30th, 2008 @ 09:18 am
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You can't seek what you have, can you? |
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Jun. 14th, 2008 @ 01:21 am
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I love you very very much! |
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How I missed those romantic nights, those silences that speak the language of music. I just realize...
All you have to do is 'open up..
All you have to do is 'listen..
That's what they say..
And I listen to them today...
And today, I'm not asking the questions.
I'm content.
Do I need to write more...I wish to write more
I wish to talk to myself through my writing. I'm alone tonight.
What I wouldn't give just to be able to sing.......and then, I'll sing myself to sleep. |
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As we linger in this stinking, stagnant mud pool, what is that we are trying to ‘project’, ‘judge’ or ‘analyze’.
The search of water is the only ‘valid’ work.
Everything else is trivial. |
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Yesterday, I dreamt of a person, who flew across oceans to a remote village; well, not very remote for there he found many educated people turning themselves in to learn about life. There was an institution lying around somewhere in the vicinity which claimed to teach life. He wasn’t particularly interested in that.
He didn’t seem very different from anyone out there and nobody did particularly notice him. He himself was too reluctant to be acknowledged.
He roamed around the village picking up all the errands that need be ran around, cooked, cleaned, served, gave directions to the people who were lost and sometimes just stared not particularly anywhere.
One evening he was sitting across the sun watching him set and suddenly he was besieged by what he couldn’t notice at all. It just stole itself into his being and made him something he always wanted to be. It brought with it a benign sense of living.
When the ceremony began, he was sitting with everyone not at any particular spot. After everyone introduced themselves, his turn came.
He answered, “I’m from nowhere and I’m going nowhere.”
I woke up with a certain sense of startle reflex and wondered what it meant. I was overcome by a totally unexplainable sort of inexplicability. I was overwhelmed by the whole phenomena.
Yesterday night, I dreamt enlightenment.
“Mysteries are not to be solved. The eye goes blind when it only wants to see ‘why’” - Rumi
Aug. 8th, 2007 @ 12:15 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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The innocence with which I started the story has returned back to innocence once again; a sense of nostalgia, a bereavement of sort for the time lost in delusion, a fleeting yet strong moment of sentience behold me now. It is deliriously amusing a feeling that cannot be explained but may be related to.
It isn’t a moment of arrival of sorts; I realized there doesn’t exist such moment. It is when regret made all the sense but it lost its existence. It is intimate to the core. It is …
Jul. 25th, 2007 @ 11:47 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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While we’re sitting in our rooms holding our books reading the most insignificant of the literary works available on the face of the earth feeling bemused and utterly smug, you must be sitting on that rocking chair of yours, thinking about each one of us, speaking to your beloved disciples and planning the whole purpose of liberating us through a most numinous of the cosmic methods. I have no doubt about it.
Rest assured, I’ll be counting on you. Let me get back to my reading now.
Love you.
Jul. 16th, 2007 @ 10:11 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Today, I feel like re-visiting those moments. I feel like getting lost in those fairy tales, be merry with them, strut and dance with them. I want to live in that house that I always wanted to have in that tree hole, live with those chipmunks as one of them, collect and store nuts for the winter, get cozy in the warm blanket in that fantasy house. I feel mellow yet quite joyous. Today, I feel all the millions of the poems that I’ve read and felt and cried and lived. I want to re-live again, not the memories, not what I wanted to be or what I was but just re-live, a new with old fantasies.
The human that I have become I want to relinquish him, drop all plans for life and be myself again. I want to be alone and be the lover that I always was, of the life, of the beloved. Oh! How I burdened myself, will I ever be free of myself, please go away all these doubts; today, I remember all the moments, all the glimpses of life that I’ve lived with him, her, them.
Today, I feel like a girl, alas, for all the fantasies were assigned to them from the life beginning. Ha! I don’t care now, anymore. I risk everything for whatever I have accumulated I want to lose, all of them, each one of them. I’ve been static enough and now, I want to wander.
Jul. 10th, 2007 @ 12:52 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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I've grown reluctant over this desperation. Did I lose my innocence? No. I feel this is mere a prelude towards understanding something more benign, more passionate. I can witness myself growing exceedingly intense both in mind and at the heart. There is a great need arising from the otherwise numb heart that has closed down owing to presumptuous conclusions.
I can't say I'm moving towards freedom because, I've grown reluctant over this movement itself. I am determined to stay still until all the movement, in and around, ceases.
I’m tired of this pursuit. Do whatever you wish; I’ll just learn to live with it because I cannot die, yet.
Honestly speaking I can’t seem to comprehend what I am, right now in this moment. I want to call myself jaded and dispassionate yet their very definitions were unable to corner my behavior, being. There are moments when everything in life becomes a question.
“Everything is something”, isn’t it?
I’ve reached the culmination. Offer me an experience, not a teaching. I can’t comprehend anything that is outside of me anymore.
There was a deliberate restrain that I was trying to achieve but was always compelled to give in.
I don’t write for others nor do I write for myself. All my writing is inconsequential. It has no meaning in itself.
When you become loveless you become a tremendous burden upon yourself not to mention others.
Enough of the distrust; just let it go now.
Feb. 21st, 2007 @ 05:09 pm
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| » hmmm...... |
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If I close my eyes and look into my mind, it is blank, not blackish blank but some creamish space. My heart is burdened by residues, residues of memories that I am trying to search and find in that blank space of my mind. Memories that are both negative and positive, love and hatred, jealousy and compassion in a hope to realize each of them in my being and in a hope that one would heal another, heal not hurt. I can’t seem to find much.
I am vacillating between feelings, feelings that which I’ve no control over creating vast emptiness of indifference in my being. I am averse to indifference yet sometimes am tempted to find my respite in there as suffering is too tough a feeling to live with all the time. I know there is love, but love is not mine to have. It is in the air and at times I come upon it.
Ever had a feeling your life is moving towards an inevitable tragedy in spite of you willing to give all you have to stop it from being so, except you realize you don’t have what it needs. It needs love baby, and it is not yours to give. Ever lived with the despair of such helplessness?
‘Omkara’ hurts.
Aug. 12th, 2006 @ 04:08 pm
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| » Can I respect you with silence? |
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Can I respect you with silence?
I read things that are beautiful, that are wonderful and which completely touches the being deep inside. They become feelings and your heart mellows down marveling at the truth ingrained conspicuously or inconspicuously in those words. In the greatest moments of sentience they even turn into insights and a great respect swells forth within my being. I can’t say if it is for those words or is it for the person who rendered them or for the nature of the moment itself. It becomes a moment of absolute fulfillment. And then, there must come out of me, a gesture or a word of appreciation but instead I find myself totally uncompelled to do anything of that sort. I am already transcended to a genuine state of characterless silence. This is my respect too; only, this respect is of my being and not just of my self.
I am sure you were touched by my silence many a times and would it matter if it didn’t have a name on it. But remember, whenever you are touched by an unknown gratitude, and if you have written something as beautiful as life itself, what if you have written it a million gazillion years ago, just know that it is my silent respect that has touched you for I must have come across it just then.
Thanks
Apr. 12th, 2006 @ 12:48 pm
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| » Hidden souls! |
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Words, sometimes, indeed make sense. Only, the sentience behind them matters more. Yes, it’s an amazing coincidence, one had to find it when one was not looking for it in a pile of trash.
Apr. 8th, 2006 @ 12:33 am
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| » Nameless agony! |
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I am being constantly confronted by loveless ness at the core of my heart. I can feel the jadedness that is settling in there. It feels like death. I can’t sleep. I can’t live. Reasons aren’t explaining this phenomenon. Smothering my hues and cries I’ve restrained an emotion to scream the hell out of my voice. I’m seeing helplessness everywhere. The suffering is imminent and demanding an immediate response. I can’t seem to help it. Oh! I’m drowned in an eternal sorrow while my heart lay restless. My compassion knew no bounds. Only my heart is restricted. I can’t even reach unto myself. I’m suffocating. I’m caught in nameless despair. I can’t relinquish it. I can’t escape it. I can’t take it.
And as I write this, the world comes up before me and I am filled with anxious tears.
Mar. 18th, 2006 @ 02:56 am
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| » What is longing? |
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What is longing?
I feel like a closed entity that is swollen inside, unable to contain. And I reach out, wanting you to tear me open. Will you?
Life doesn’t answer too many questions. Maybe it’s not its way. This day my heart is infinity pregnant with an impalpable sense of longing. This silence/emptiness is eating away the surface tissue of my heart as I acknowledge that pain. I understand heart-burn now. As of now, I am consumed by a great inertia and I’m sitting in here, still.
There is no consolation to loveless ness. But in these darn moments of pain I still crave that consolation which I very well understand will not console me.
Words fail me. No. Today, I fail them. They can’t explain. Barge them into hell.
This day I am aware of time, its existence and of this place.
"This is a good place for
self to find conflict.
This is a good place for
Love to burn off self"
Ha! Like they say, you always hurt the one you love.
In the end, why this distracted talk? Is it my fault that I rave? Or did you do this? Do you approve of this love-madness? Say yes.
Feb. 8th, 2006 @ 06:31 pm
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| » Forever! |
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It feels to me like I’ve remained forever silent. I wonder if I’ve ever spoken anything before. I’ve remained forever full I suppose. I can’t seem to trace any emptiness from before. And now I wonder what is ‘before’? What has it to do with ‘now’?
In one moment I speak something true, in the next situation something different. The response is important. There is no truth, just perception in the moment. Eternity is foolishness. As long as you are on the lake the boat is necessary, when you passed you don’t need it anymore.
In the moment of pain, pain is forever.
In the moment of joy, Joy is forever.
In the moment, that moment is forever.
There is no before. I am aware of only ‘now’ and now is forever.
P.S: My life is an experience, not a teaching.
Jan. 11th, 2006 @ 12:39 pm
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| » Understand! |
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The reason I speak to you is to fill an emptiness that is inside. I notice that how much ever I speak unto you that emptiness still remains conspicuously evident. This must be a different kind of emptiness I suppose. Do you feel so too? Can we find the cure to this emptiness together?
Desire and the anticipation of its fulfillment is an escape from this emptiness. Once the desire is fulfilled, all that shall remain will be this emptiness, miles and miles of it. But to discover it the desire must be fulfilled.
I felt you were the yearning that I passionately carried. Yes, you are also a part of this yearning, only this yearning goes beyond you. And I need you to reach that culmination. You be my bridge, my boat O’ my beloved.
I’d need your caress, I ‘d need that kiss, but today I’m convinced I’d stay alone.
Tomorrow, again the desire will arise, the want will ask and I shall give it all it needs. The freedom is not in the restrain but in the realization and I seek only that. Do you seek that too?
I’m afraid if you’d understand this but again I don’t have a choice either.
As you know my heart is my witness, so be yours so help you god.
Amen.
Dec. 30th, 2005 @ 12:34 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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Dec. 24th, 2005 @ 10:54 pm
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| » I love you! |
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The day you said words are mere fillers, I found you much more beautiful. The wisdom humbled me.
My life celebrates your existence all the time it is alive. You gave me a persona that I never defined myself with. You are the love that I’ve always waited for but never pursued. I never believed you exist. Now that you stand before me I’m short of words to even welcome you.
I love you.
When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you're not here, I can't go to sleep.
Praise God for these two insomnias!
And the difference between them.
-Rumi
P.S. I wish I didn't write this. Words indeed are incapable. But how else do I show my gratitude, now? Understand this helplessness O' my innocence for all I intend is love.
Dec. 23rd, 2005 @ 02:28 am
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| » in love with life! |
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Thought is incapable. It can’t come upon it. While I search for solution I realize the immensity of the problem. Can I measure that problem which is beyond every boundary of conceivability? It is an ocean that I’m trying to measure with a bowl. This magnificence humbles me.
I stand to realize the essence of existence and until now, fear was the name of it.
“Neither mortal, was there, nor immortal then; not of night, of day, was there, distinction. THAT alone breathed windless through inherent power. Other than THAT indeed, there was naught else”.
-Nasadiya suktha
And I can’t help but remain startled. I am filled with a joy that is of the life. If a glimpse of the existence were this monumental how would its entirety be? I remain humble.
I’ve experienced. I’ve had experiences. And I will continue to experience life as a benediction. I’m concerned I might be saying this in the wrong place but I’ll say it anyway. There were times when I’ve had extraordinary conversations against extraordinary panoramas with extraordinary beings. There were times when I’ve experienced an inner intensity that was too powerful for the medium of words.
Life is an engulfing mystery and my fascination for it would last forever. What if I have to endure an insipidity that is of this world, I’d still remain its ardent devotee.
For all the reasons unknowable and mystical I’m in love with life now.
Dec. 22nd, 2005 @ 03:56 am
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